It’s Like, Well, Yeah

My design assignment this week is to redesign a package for a pharmaceutical or toy. I shopped me some WalMart, almost went for diet pills, but settled down with toothpaste instead. In my mind, I was going to be designing the generic. Nope. I’m redesigning a nice box of Crest. And what I’m finding through my research is that Colgate and Crest have designers with ADHD. There’s 26 different package designs for Colgate and over 30 for Crest. They’re busy. So how do I take a Crest, and redesign it and get an “A”? I have no freaking clue. I’ve got the mint splash flavor, extra white with scope.

I’ve looked up the definitions for mint, and for splash, and their definitions are exactly what you’d expect. No inspiration drawn from there. The design for Rembrandt toothpaste received some praise, so I’m looking at following their lead. Very simple. Like a tuxedo for the toothpaste box. But the problem I have is there is so much type on this little box of Crest. You can’t have both a tuxedo and gobs of text.

Why did I pick toothpaste? Do I have a death wish or something? Why didn’t I go with my first instinct–diet pills? How hard could that have been? My research only needed to have been photographs of women near anorexia. Slap that bitch on a box and voila. I had no idea that graphic design was such a task of problem-solving. I am not a good problem solver!!! LOL

Things are going wonderful. I finished a book called “Excuse Me, Your Soul Mate is Waiting.”   Despite its title, it wasn’t so much about soul mate finding, than it was about moving your energy. And I’m so excited about it. I’ve been trying to move my energy, and give off positive vibrations.  I’m now reading the book “Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting” which is what the soul mate one came from. I wish I could see Oprah’s show today. I don’t normally like Oprah, but today it’s about the Law pf Attraction. So, of course I’m interested in seeing it.

I think this upcoming year is going to be a WONDERFUL change from the last two! This fall, I’m going to be applying for jobs in Hawaii and California. And I know I’m going to land the right one. I’m going to live where the sun shines. My skin will tan. I’ll get to wear sandals and skirts and tank tops. The last bit of my extra weight is going to come off this year! It is! I am going to love my life. I can see myself riding around in the sun on the Hawaiian coastline. Fun music playing through the speakers. Smiling. Playing in the water. That would be the loveliest life. And I am going to have it! 2009!

I am working on radiating positive vibrations, and I am going to attract a wonderful life! The life I’ve dreamed of. Project “Get My Ass to Hawaii” is in the works! And if I attract an amazing man in the meantime, so be it.

A girl I know–we were friends in gradeschool–writes for the Boston Globe. heh.

Why do men grow long hair only to wear it in a slick ponytail every day?

And people are making comments about my weight–asking if I’m losing. Yes! It feels SO good to get asked that. FINALLY!

I made the decision to let Jack go live with Kevin. He will leave mid to late July. I don’t want to, but, my 5 year old is up SO late every night. There’s no schedule or consistency with me. He is being shuffled around family members, oftentimes, very stressed family members. It’s a burden. Yes, a burden that we all love, but one that I feel can be more appropriately cared for by his father at this time.

It stormed this afternoon. And it was SO nice. I wish the sky would do that more often

Also, I hung out with Tom again. The Celtics won. We celebrated. It was a good time.
I hope we hang out more.

I really, really need to focus on my nutrition. A few days ago, after getting out of the shower and brushing my wet hair, I began to panic a little. I can see my scalp with my hair brushed straight down. My hair has thinned so much over the past month, it’s starting to scare me. Ok, that’s a lie. It isn’t starting to scare me, it’s been frightening me for a few weeks now. Now it’s alarm. When the scalp comes out, alarm bells start ringing.
I wish I could visit my doctor, but I fear what they would think when my.. well, no longer my insurance rejects the office visit claim. Tomorrow, I am going to buy a bottle of multi-vitamins. I’m also going to buy some fresh fruits and veggies and make sure that I eat them. And then. Then I will start praying to God.
I a m hoping that since my stress level has dropped that soon my body will catch up and my hair follicles will stop releasing my hair. This is such an insult. My hair is finally longer than it has ever been since I was 15. And now, it falls out. I’m thinking I should cut it. I think that possibly cutting it will also help the falling out thing. But I soooo don’t want to cut it. I love how nice and long it is. I hope Kelly can fit me in soon. I want to get colored (though I am scared to damage it now at this point). My hair is greying at my right temple.
I am just so sad about my hair. I hae been taking my hair vitamin, but for what it seems?
Gosh!

Yesterday was SO nice. The heat reached into the 90s, but, I didn’t spend the day behind a hot, inside grill, cooking flesh for strangers. So that in and of itself made my day great! I picked my son up from my mother’s. What a glorious mess he made in her living room! It was a flurry of train tracks and ripped up circular ads from the Sunday paper. My son did not seem so enthusiastic to see me. And much less so when I made him clean up his mess. My mother didn’t seem enthusiastic about it, either. She wants him to relax. I want him to respect his grandmother’s home. He needs to clean up after himself or not make the mess in the first place.
So after an hour of struggling with him to clean up and also eat his breakfast, we finally made it out of there, and could go on down to Cambridge where my father lives. We were an hour late, but we were there. Almost immediately, my father whisked me away and to a bicycle shop in Arlington. And then it all happened so fast. He found me a bicycle, and a youth trailer bike… he had a bottle holder and water bottle added. We selected helmets, and a tire pump. And I was just like…. going in slow motion. This wasn’t the K-Mart bicycle that I was used to. The last bike I had was when I was a teenager. My sister rode it to her boyfriend’s and never rode it back. To this day, never rode it back. Well, now the boyfriend is long-gone. But that was my bike! So, over 10 years later, I have a new bicycle. A real bicycle. When we got it back to my father’s complex to show Jack, he and I were so excited. I waited outside, connecting the trailer to my bicycle. Then finally Jack came out.

He wasn’t as excited as we were. He protested! He clearly stated, many times, that he did not want to ride that thing. But somewhere in his face, I could see glimpses of “I really want to like it, but I’m afraid.” It’s where he tightens his little chin , and puffs out his chest. Little by little, my father and I coaxed Jack onto his  bicycle. First we got him to put the helmet on, just to see if it fits. Then we got him on his part of the bike, to make sure it would fit his legs, of course. But he hopped off at the first sign that we were trying to trick him! But we coaxed him back on. But he was no fool, he made sure the kickstand was down this time. But my father still tricked him. He could push Jack around with the kickstand on. And then I pushed him on it. Then I got on it. But I promised I wouldn’t go too fast. And then Jack started giggling and admitted that it was, indeed, fun. And he said we forgot to put his helmet on! He was starting to like it! So we put his helmet on, my father got on his bike, and the three of us took and easy ride around the building. Jack was laughing and telling us this was fun. He wanted to do this all the time. We ended up riding all the way to some pond and back. It was really nice. And Jack absolutely loved it! He wanted to go again and again.
I am very happy that he likes it. Now we have the option to ride to the park instead of drive. Maybe we could even ride to school on Thursday. I wish I could ride it to work and everything, but I don’t know where to store it while I am there. I don’t want it to get stolen.

After riding bicycles, we went to the movies in Burlington. We saw Kung-Fu Panda. I had no idea so many big actors were in it. Yes, we knew Jack Black and Dustin Hoffman were in it. But I didn’t know Angelina Jolie and Lucy Liu were in it. Jack really enjoyed it. I knew he would because he loves “fight movies” as he calls them.  Then we went to dinner at a little hole in the wall Italian restaurant in Bedford. It was actually my mother’s favorite place. As it turns out, it’s also my father’s wife’s favorite place. I remember it because when my mother took Kevin and me, a salt shaker fell on Kevin’s back and scratched him on his trinity tattoo. I love his trinity tatto.

Then Jack and I finished our day off with twist ice cream from the local Dairy Queen. It was such a nice evening. All in all, a really beautiful day.

Today, since it is so hot and humid, I’m letting Jack run around stark naked. If I could, I would, too.

It’s about time for another update.

A couple of nights ago, when I was being a crap mother and keeping my 5 year old son out well past 9pm in public (at home it’s ok), I was browsing at Barnes & Noble. I could browse there or at Borders for years. I started browsing the self-help section, specifically the shelves containing books about divorce and moving on from divorce. I picked up a book by Marta Martenson… It’s something like, Hello, Your soulmate is waiting… something like that. But it got me so pumped up on positive energy. The author’s smiles and excitement read straight through into the pages of her book. So, that night, I decided to stop grieving my divorce. Tuesday night, I finished grieving. Wednesday morning, I woke up with a fresh start. With my grieving behind me, I will put a smile on my face more often. I will stop with my defeatest attitude. I will start envisioning myself as successful and happy.

Kevin is behind me. He has moved on, now I’m moving on. And I’m going to start attracting positive people into my life with my sparkling, radiant, energy.

So while I’m doing that, Kevin is trying to convince me to let my only baby boy go live with him in Hawaii.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can imagine how well that’s going over with me. And I suppose I’ll have to start forwarding child support off of my 11.75/hr paycheck, right? And then he will truly have everything from our marriage. My life, which was all but turned inside-out, WILL be inside-out with my baby boy gone. I’m most likely going to be a stick in the mud on this one. I am trying to be ok with a summer visit… but to stay and start school? Alter our custody agreement? I’m not too sure on that one. I’m trying to be sensitive, but, I have to remind myself, this is HIS divorce. I think I may need to remind him, too. He wanted this. Jack would be out there with him right now. But Kevin wanted out. So now he wants to put me completely out of my life? COMPLETELY? As if my life hasn’t been turned upside on it’s head already? He wants this now, too?

Yeah. I don’t think so. And if it means forgoing the Navy thing so I can hold on to my custody… There’s too many uncertainties. And my little boy is the most important thing in my life. I can’t let him go.

So, this is a big challenge–to stay positive in the midst of this battle that is about to begin. But I will try.

Kevin and I had another loooong conversation last night. One of our more unproductive ones. As I may have mentioned earlier, I was thinking about joining up with the Navy.  Well, recently, I’ve had second thoughts. Thoughts such as, can I really do this again. Basic again? Folding my undies into neat little squares. Push-ups. Uniforms. And not to mention… have you ever met a Navy guy? They’re not usually like Ashton Kutcher in the Guardian. They’re weird. I will never, never forget “Creepy Johnny” at Corry Station in Pensacola. Ask me about the story of how Johnny got the “Creepy” label from me sometime.
Anyway, in order to enlist, I can’t have custody of any children. Thus, I would have to transfer full custody to Jack’s dad, Kevin. This whole thing makes me nervous. One. Being away from my baby for an extended period of time, like for training. Eek! Two. Kevin’s interactions with Jack aren’t always the ones we want to hold in our memories. Some yes. I mean, Kevin adores Jack. He is so good at playing with Jack. Far better than I am, hands-down. But. He is hard on Jack. He’s so strict. I just worry about that. Children need room for learning and creativity. I’m concerned about the regimented environment his father may provide.
Three. Writing off my rights, legally. That scares the sh– out of me. Kevin, in our relationship, had moments of unpredictability. What if he gets mad at me and won’t give him back? He has custody and doesn’t have to. I would die right there and then. Jack is the blood in my veins. The oxygen in my lungs. Jack is the reason I’m holding anything together right now. I would fall apart if it wasn’t for him. I’m sure of it.

Well, Kevin wants some extended time with Jack. He has the right to him over the summer, I agree. So, Kevin actually wants to get custody so he can move in the fall onto base housing. He also thought it would be good if Jack could start kindergarten there. After I picked my heart up off the floor, I told him we can start with the summer.

This subject is inexplicably difficult to discuss. It gets very emotional. We both love that little boy so much. We both want him so much. The fact is we both can’t have him. The distance is impossible. Neither of us will be satisfied until the gap is lessened. And lessened to within a reasonable driving distance. And, if you’ll remember project “get my ass to Hawaii” in one of my first blogs, um, I’m cool with relocating. But of course, I have to finish college first.

The way I see it is this. Kevin lives in Hawaii. Kevin has a great job. Kevin has full medical coverage and life insurance. He has the income to put money away for Jack’s college and for retirement. And he has been doing so. Kevin has toys. He has a truck, a car, a motorcycle, and a scooter. I’m pretty sure he is in a relationship with a woman, too.

All I have, is Jack. Which, yes. Trumps everything Kevin has. But if Kevin has him, too?

I will have: crap apartment. Leased car. Job that is killing me. College classes with homework. And that’s it. I don’t have friends. I don’t have any social life. All I have is my internet. heh. I will have basically, nothing. Kevin will have taken everything from me.

Yesterday, somewhere in Boston, there was a tragic trainwreck involving two T trains. The driver of one of those trains, a young woman, was killed. Well, I was literally just watching some media coverage about the incident, and after seeing the woman’s friends and family describe her, what a bright, fun and loving woman she was, the station delved right into the next topic that certainly would be on anyone’s mind..
Job opening at the Boston T, right?
Seriously. The news listed requirements for being employed with the Boston MBTA.
I’m just shaking my head at this one. I mean, yeah, obviously there’s now one less employee.. but.. come on!

How do you keep yourself from becoming jaded at the end of your marriage? I’ve become jaded about marriage. I don’t want anyone to have to get married. I don’t ever want to re-marry. I don’t see the point anymore. Unless you want to be hurt, why bother?

I hung out with a wonderful man last night. I know him from years ago. I met him when I was 17 or 18, he was friends with my then boyfriend. After my whole boyfriend thing dissipated, and his girlfriend thing dissipated and we were still hanging out. I realized how cool this guy was. And handsome. And funny. And smart. But he started dating a girlfriend of mine, and then I left for the military…

A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with my girlfriend, the same one that I was just talking about. And she told me how she had spoken to him, and how his marriage of 6 months just ended. And I felt so sad for him. I always knew him as SUCH a sweet, mellow guy. How could HIS marriage fail?  He was GREAT from how I remember him. I told her that the next time she talked to him to give him my phone number.
Well, the stars lined up not long after that day. I befriended an old friend on facebook, and through him, I saw… HIM. And I friended him. And we started talking. And after a week of back and forth, he suggested we get together and catch up, and of course I excitedly agreed.
So last night it was. I left Jack with my mom, and drove over to his apartment. We talked, we had pizza, and we watched tv. And you know what? It was SO NICE! He is just like I remember him. Still as nice and sincere and handsome and funny… And it was nice that we didn’t have to DO anything in particular. We were just there together, and neither of us were alone. For one night, I wasn’t lonely. And I felt SO comfortable with him. It was so easy to talk to him.  I thought it might be awkward, but it wasn’t at all. There was no weird silences. No discomfort. At least not from my end, so I would hope he didn’t feel weird, either. It was really, really nice.

I remember back in the day when we were both 18 or 19 or something. Right before I hooked him up with my girlfriend. Our friends were all spending the night at a mutual friend’s. I think it was the mutual friend’s birthday. And we were there, and his parents were letting us drink, or not letting us, but not “seeing” us on purpose. Well, we all ended up spending the night. And he and I spent more time together than anyone else. I remember putting on his big watch that was powered by movement. And it was so big on me. And I’m not a small girl. I was smaller then, but even then, I’m tall for a girl. And we ended up falling asleep next to each other. Close. And I remember it. And it was nice.  And I remember walking down the strip with him at Hampton Beach, and he had his arms around me, and I remember how nice that felt then. But we never…. we never got together. It never happened. He met my girlfriend, and… that’s what happened.

But I am so happy to have caught back up with him. It felt so natural being back around him. I smiled the whole 45 minute drive home. And I hope we can spend more time together. I thought he lived much further. Yeah, 45 minutes isn’t great, but it’s not that bad, either. God, I’m happy to have met back up with him. I hope he’s happy to have reconnected with me.  He’s so nice to be around.

I’ve got to try to not discourage myself. My instinct is to put myself down. To tell myself I’m not worthy of anyone’s friendship, not even his.  But I hope that we become friends again. He plays softball and I would love to go see one of his games on my day off. He says I have to see the movie “The Departed.” So I’m hoping maybe he can bring it up here sometime and watch it with me. He scheduled to DVR LOST for me on his DVR when I told him I am going to miss the season finale. He doesn’t watch it. But he’s going to record it for me. He said I can come down and watch it. Hehe. So it sounds like we’re going to be friends again. And I can’t even express how happy that makes me feel. He is a great guy.

Sunday night I got scared. After putting Jack to bed, I got really scared that I might have to drive Jack to my mother’s, drop my life and whatever I was doing, and get admitted into the hospital for a mental breakdown.  I could not stop crying.  I was petrified.  It felt as if all the stress I’ve been shouldering had finally imploded my sanity.  This egg was cracking.
My stress started the last week of classes last semester. I had a full workweek and I had to complete my final projects.  Jamey walked off the job and I couldn’t find anyone to cover a shift for me.  That’s where my stress pretty much started.  Then my divorce finalized.  Then my laptop stopped receiving power and I had to replace it. I still haven’t been able to get power to it to get my files. Then one of Kevin’s friends started emailed me, condemning me for the divorce, asking me to “stop flaunting your divorce.” (on myspace) Then I picked a day to go do my final registration for school and I had a health hold. Gee, that information would have been great to know BEFORE the first day off school. This was the last business day before the start of summer session.  And to make that matter worse, my circumstances are that I am no longer a military dependent. I don’t technically have health insurance anymore. If I were to wait for the VA to retrieve my immunization records, I’d miss my summer sessions. So I have to go to my clinic, and hope I’ll still be covered for the blood work and any possible immunizations.
This morning (second day of classes), my clinic drew blood for “titers.” Meaning they’re checking my blood to see what I am immunized for. I didn’t know they could do that but I am glad they can! And I hope I am still immunized for tetanus (well everything, really, but tetanus mostly). That bugger hurts!
I also got 2 new tired and a rotation this morning (during what should have been my media presentation class.) That set me back over $500… And they wanted me to take tire insurance and alignment. I literally put my hands to my forehead and almost screamed at them that 2 new tires cost me enough, I can’t afford their alignment, too! Thank God already for the government stimulus check. If anyone was wondering, mine just went to tires! And I still have a big crack in my windshield! I also went over the maximum on my credit card — by $700. Whoops! So um… Yeah, I have to fix that, too. (That was because of my laptop replacement)

Anyway, Sunday night, after finding out that I couldn’t get into classes because of this health hold, it pretty much sent me into a tailspin.  I started thinking about e v e r y t h i n g. All at once. And my breathing sped up, and tears and moaning ensued. I needed desperately to talk to someone. But not anyone.  I needed to talk to someone who CARED. I didn’t want someone who was too busy, who would listen, but that’s it. Who would invalidate what I was going through.  I needed someone who really, truly, cared. I felt I had no one. The loneliness tipped me over the edge, and I was visualizing going into the registrar at my college, tipping over bookcases and throwing fax machines at walls.
Kevin ended up calling me, and he helped. Of all people, my ex-husband walked me back off ledge I was standing on, from 5,000 miles away.  And he didn’t have to. And we both acknowledged that.  But he wanted to.  We talked for hours. What bothers me is the abruptness that he left the phone call. It was like, mid-sentence, as soon as he began validating me, he had “to go to the bathroom and it’s 9:30 over here.”
I used to watch you go to the bathroom. Bring your cell phone in there! And he hasn’t called back to finish his sentence. So, I’m mixed up. He helped me. He talked me through some things that I need to do. Offered me encouragement. But… left abruptly. During a part of our conversation that I feel I needed. And I don’t feel like I can go back and ask him to please keep telling me what I’ve done right in my life… He doesn’t have to do that. It would just be nice. And I’m not going to chase after him to do it. When we talk next, hopefully he will ask me how I am doing since we last spoke. And I can tell him thank you, but, you kind of left our conversation mid-sentence.

Well anyway, crisis is averted. I’m out of crisis.  I actually went to the Navy today to give them some of my records.  Now I have to change custody over to him, and I can continue on with the process. Now of course, I got an email from the Air Force recruiter telling me they’ll accept prior-service into EOD. But that wouldn’t help what I am trying to do my re-entering military service which is furthering my career as a graphic designer, gain experience  and beef up my resume.  EOD isn’t going to get me anywhere close to fulfilling those plans. It’s a shame. Because I would totally prefer to be wearing blues and being “Senior Airman” rather than “Seaman”.  We’ll see what happens. It’s a long process.